11:35

It is 11:35 pm,
and I just spent the last two hours scrolling on my phone.
Scroll after scroll, I realize
the feeling I was avoiding
was not feeling successful enough.

I scroll to numb the pain
of not amounting to what I always said I would amount to.
Hard-working enough.
Ambitious enough.
Smart enough.

When I do not follow through,
I punish myself by avoidance.
I pretend like the problem isn't there.

But what good does avoidance truly do?
Will one more scroll cure my feelings of incompetence,
rid me of a long list of things to do?

Does this avoidance show up in my relationships too,
when I avoid talking about problems?

Is it control? Is it fear? Is it both?
Am I afraid that in actually trying,
I'll realize I don't have it under control
like I say I do?

I'm always waiting for a "GO" signal,
the one that finally pushes me out of bed
to do the things I say I'll do.
But once I get there, I plateau.

It can't just be me.

I stare into a wall and realize
I am where I wanted to be a few years back.
I've built resistance to days like these.
When the morning is rough but you get up anyway.
When the sun is shining and you have a million things to do.

There is a certain feeling that comes to mind,
the one where you know you're going to go through it,
but you also know you'll be okay.

Maybe the first step is to put down the phone.